Life, of late

I feel like I need to post something, not to move away from remembering mom, but kindof... Just to process life and know that it is still going on. And it has been going on, pretty busily - just with a void and emptiness without mom's presence.

• A week or two ago, my aunt/uncle/cousins got a little yellow lab puppy named Maggie. They got her at 8 weeks old, and about 9 pounds... SO cute. I wish I had pictures, but when I went to visit I only had my cell phone with me and she wouldn't look at the camera phone or even let me get near with it (not that I would have known how to upload the pictures I did take). I'll have to take Paisley over to meet her once Maggie has all her shots, and then maybe I'll have pictures.
  
• Last Friday night, Wade and I babysat for my friends Lindsay & Adam's 7-month-old Caleigh and her 1-year-old friend Maggie. It was so fun because they are the cutest little girls. The funniest thing (and kindof scary) was that Lindsay & Adam had put their dog Bailey (a boxer mix) out on the porch because she really doesn't like strangers and especially Maggie. So Bailey is baring her teeth and barking ferociously on the other side of the glass, and Maggie is just banging on the windows and laughing her head off at this dog. It was probably better than her being really upset the whole time, but it was a little disturbing that she wasn't at all afraid of this dog lunging & barking at her.
  
• Saturday I went to a pool party with my friend Marcy, which was fun and relaxing, then a Christmas-in-July birthday party for one of Wade's roommate. After that Wade and I went downtown to meet up with his roommate from this past year at Covenant who was in town for the evening. It was so fun to see him, and funny to be the "outsider" to a different group of friends recounting college stories and old jokes. Now I see what other people experience when they crash our Carolina reunions :).
  
• Other than that, I've been trying to get my homeowners' association to take care of a problem with drainage I have at my condo - namely, the area outside my front door floods and fills with mud every time it rains, and 4 times now it has flooded under the front door into my house. I'm enjoying my job at Christ Covenant too, and excited for Wade to start teaching in just a matter of weeks!

That's about all for now... hopefully I'll have some pictures of something fun soon :).

Mom, Remembered

We had a wonderful memorial service for mom this morning, where God was honored and His Word was preached clearly and unabashedly - exactly what she wanted.  The graveside service with our family was really special, and the cemetery where her ashes are now buried is just beautiful.  It's so mom.  A lot of it looks just like her backyard, with natural areas, trees, bushes, flowers and benches.  She's buried right next to Hope Stout, a 13-year-old girl who died of cancer several years ago and was in the news for her "make-a-wish" being that all the other kids got their wishes.

Hundreds came to celebrate mom's life, and more importantly the life of Christ she is inseparable from.  For those who wanted the words to the poem I read, here they are...  Mom wrote this for me before I graduated from high school 8 years ago:

God chose you for His very own before all time began.

He spoke your name and formed your soul forever in His plan.

God's plans for us are certain; they're not a passing whim.

He placed you in my life and heart, my precious daughter Kim.

Trust the Lord for everything, though you can't understand.

His ways are not like our ways; His plan is not our plan.

Seek His face and read His Word; spend time alone with Him.

Then spread His love to all you meet, my precious daughter Kim.

Give God your gifts and weaknesses, for when you can't, He can.

He has a purpose for your life forever in His plan.

Delight each day in His love for you and return that love to Him.

I thank God every day for you, my precious daughter Kim.

Update

Visitation will be Tuesday, July 8 from 5-8 pm at the funeral home, Harry & Bryant, on Providence Road.

The service will be Thursday, July 10 at 11:30 am at Christ Covenant Church in Matthews.

Come and be touched by mom's life if you'd like :).

It's finished.

Linda Johns

February 26, 1951 - July 4, 2008

Mom went home to be with the Lord about 9:45 tonight.  It's been a very long few days, not to mention the weeks, months and years leading up to now...  But praise God that she is out of pain - no more cancer, no more nausea, no more drugs & needles.

I love you so much, mom - more than I could EVER express with words or actions.  You've been the best mom in the entire world, and you've touched everyone who knew you with your sweet spirit, warmth, and especially your unwavering faith in our Lord.  We'll see you again!

--------------------Added Saturday, July 5th----------------------------

Thank you all so much for your prayers for me and my family over the last weeks, months, and even years. We decided Mom "went out with a bang" on the 4th of July. My dad, sister, brother-in-law, and I were all there with her at her bedside. She had been unresponsive for 22 hours or so, just breathing shallowly and finishing the race. All day, we had all been holding her hands, talking to her and telling her how much we loved her and that it was ok to let go now.

Around 9:30, my dad started talking close to her ear about how much he loved her, all the people waiting for her in heaven, how we were going to take care of her garden and everything here for her and we were going to be ok, and things like that, and her breathing and heart rate just slowed and slowed until she was gone, while he was still talking. It was really heart-wrenching, but special too.

It's hard to let it sink it that this whole battle is over and she's completely free of suffering and pain FOREVER now. It's overwhelming and relieving, like a huge burden has been lifted and at the same time a huge hole has been gouged in my heart. Right now, the grief is a little stronger than the joy, but the joy is still there for her - dancing on the streets of gold, completely whole and new.

I don't know yet when funeral services and things will be, but I will let you all know for anyone who wants to come. Thanks again for everyone's prayers and support - it means a lot to me and our family.

Where is the Lord?

I cried out to God for help;

I cried out to God to hear me.

When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;

at night I stretched out my untiring hands

and my soul refused to be comforted.

...

Will the Lord reject forever?

Will He never show His favor again?

Has His unfailing love vanished forever?

Has His promise failed for all time?

Has God forgotten to be merciful?

Has He in anger withheld His compassion?

...

Your ways, O God, are holy.

What god is so great as our God?

You are the God who performs miracles;

You display Your power among the peoples.

With Your mighty arm You redeemed Your people,

the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.

Psalm 77:1-2, 7-9, 13-15

So please take my mom home.  Take her out of this misery and suffering.  She just wants to be home with you, Jesus.  Please remember to be merciful and compassionate.  Please remember Your unfailing love, and don't forget Your faithful servant, Linda Johns.

Still here, still amazing

Just wanted to give a quick update on mom.  She is still with us, making it one day at a time, although the final stages are definitely progressing.  These are pictures from our family dinner a week and a half ago for my birthday, Fathers Day and my brother-in-law Allen's birthday.  Mom looks better in these pictures than she was feeling that night, and she's probably lost another 5-7 pounds since then.  She eats maybe a few bites a day, but has no appetite and is so dehydrated that she doesn't have enough saliva to chew and swallow very well.

Here she is with her girls... It's amazing how someone can look so beautiful despite so much pain she is in much of the time.

Here's our little family, with Wade and Allen.

Here is a lot of my mom's side of the family (missing half the cousins).  Over the past several weeks, all of the immediate relatives have come to see her for varying lengths of time.  This picture includes her dad (left, in red shirt), her sister (left in blue shirt), and her brother (middle in yellow shirt).  She has kept up amazingly well with the pace of all these visitors, not to mention the friends, pastors, Hospice nurses and everybody else who has cycled through the house.

~ She has also come to my house twice to look at my flowers and help me figure out what to plant and where.

~ She's been out in her yard spreading pine needles with my dad and showing Hillary and me what all the different plants are.

~ She's kept up (with my dad's help) with complicated schedules of at least 10 different medicines for pain, nausea, bowels, sleep and thyroid.

~ She has gone through closets, boxes and rooms with Hillary and me to make sure we know where things are and what has significance, etc.

~ She has run errands with neighbors and friends just to get out of the house.

~ One day she even told me she thought she would be able to drive if necessary... I told her, "Mom, you're on heavy doses of methadone and oxycodone - I think that's pretty much illegal."  

She is so strong, it truly amazes me every day.

And yet, despite all the things that she has still found the strength to do, as her condition worsens, and the pain and nausea continue, the most amazing thing is how much she longs for heaven.  Most people would be saying, "God, why are you doing this to me?" or "Please let me live a little longer."  She is saying, "God, why are you leaving me here so long?  Please just take me home!"  I know part of that is just wanting to be out of pain, but she is so confident in the Lord, has such a firm, unshakable foundation in Christ, she truly believes and exemplifies that "to die is gain" (Phil. 1:21).

"For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed, but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.  Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come."  (2 Cor. 5:4-5)

I was so struck by that passage yesterday when my former youth pastor read it to mom.  Her body - what is mortal - is going to be swallowed up by LIFE, not death.  Hallelujah, praise be to God!

Mom

Many of you who read this got an email from me last week describing the situation going on with mom this past week or two.  But some of you may not have, so I thought I'd update the blog while I have a minute.

After a 4+ year battle with uterine cancer, which has included 4 surgeries, 2 summers of chemotherapy, 1 of radiation, a total pelvic exeneration (i.e. they took out half her intestines, her bladder and more), countless medications, needle sticks, hospital stays, CT and PET scans, IV drips, and the like...  the Lord has made it evident that He is going to take mom home very soon.

She went into the hospital on Memorial Day in excruciating pain, had another scan, and got the results 1 week ago that the cancer is growing fast, spreading, and starting to shut down her organs.  She is home now, with lots of pain medicine and Hospice care, and just spending however long she has with friends and family gathered around.

I've been off work last week and this week between jobs, which shows one small piece of God's perfect timing - that I could be with her during this time.  My dad has taken off work indefinitely, and my sister has been able to work partial days and see mom more too.  Many family members are flying in all this week to see her one more time, and so far she has been managing ok at home (on LOTS of meds).

My beautiful mom in the middle, with our family, at the beach last September.  This was shortly after the 5th recurrence of cancer, which we thought was going to be the last time at that point.  But God had another 9 months planned for her, and a new pair of drugs made that possible from then until now.  But the cancer has now outrun the drugs and God is completing the work He started in her, to bring her home to spend eternity with Him.

Mom and me at Christmas this past year.  We were so thankful to have one more Christmas with her, since last fall we didn't think she would make it that long.

Mom with Paisley when we picked her out around Thanksgiving '06.  She was so excited to give me my little girl for Christmas that year, and be a "grandma" to her :).

Right now my emotions are varied...  

I'm hit with waves of unbearable, desperate sadness.  

I go through times of sweeter mourning with mom or with family members, thinking of all the things we will remember about her and carry with us.  

I feel numb some of the time and can't even process what is happening.  

I remember to rejoice for mom, because she will soon be restored and made whole - free from all this pain, disease and crying - worshipping our Lord in His presence forever.  

I question how I am going to go through life without her, the person who knows me best and loves me most in this world.

I don't have much else to say right now, but I'm going to be treasuring every moment I have with my sweet mom, and knowing the Lord will bring us all through this, for His glory.