Letter to mom

Dear mom,
A couple days ago marked 6 months since you've been gone. Half a year that has been filled with more change than I can handle at times. It's hard to believe you haven't been here for all these new things.

Wade and I got engaged in October... you would have been SO excited to hear the story of him whisking me off to New York for the day. And you would have dived into the planning with me and had fun thinking of all kinds of creative things to do. Hillary and Laurie were sweet and excited to go dress shopping with me, but I still missed you a ton. I kept remembering our trip to Dar-Lynn's the year before and how you said you were going to take those new drugs and be there for the real day. We're doing pitchers with hydrangeas for our centerpieces in honor of your love for collecting pitchers. Our first dance song is going to be Me and You by Kenny Chesney, which I played for you in the car once and you agreed it was a great first dance song. My ring is beautiful with Mama Dyke's diamond in the center and the ones from your amethyst ring on each side. It means so much to me to have that reminder of you and 2 generations of Dykstra women before you on my finger every day.

Hillary is just 6 weeks away from having your first little granddaughter! I was going through your attic looking for Christmas decorations a month ago and came across all the toys and dolls and books you saved for when the grandkids came to visit grandma. You would've had such a blast getting all that stuff out and playing with her, as well as sharing long talks with Hillary and me, advising us on our new roles as mother and wife.

We celebrated Christmas so differently this year. It is nowhere near the same without you! I missed the cute things you would find to put in our stockings, although dad did get the basics at least, putting baby food peaches and animal crackers in a pair of his socks to bring to us :). Everybody came to my house for pancakes, which was fun, but it just didn't feel like I was ready to be hosting Christmas morning yet in my life. You would love the ornaments I got from a couple people marking our engagement though - one is a big diamond ring and the other is a boy and girl with a "diamond" on her finger.

There have been so many situations in the past months where I've missed your wisdom, your counsel, your smile and laughter and just your presence. It's been so long since we've curled up on your bed and dreamed about the future together, imagining how it could all turn out. It's good that Wade and I are starting to build our own traditions and imagining our life together, but it sure seems like a very sudden way of doing this.

By the time I get married, it will have been one year since we got your final diagnosis of the cancer coming back. It seems like eons ago, to be honest. But I'm glad that for you in heaven it also seems like a thousand years that you've been there, and your pain and suffering here on earth is nothing but a distant memory to you now.

I love you!