"The hottest bachelor in bachelor history"

Last night was the season premiere of The Bachelor, the guilty pleasure show I’ve watched since not quite the beginning (I think I first got hooked on the end of Trista’s Bachelorette season and have watched almost all of them since then). There was Jesse Palmer, the NFL quarterback; Charlie O’Connell, the goofy actor and brother of the guy from that great show My Secret Identity; Travis Stork, the ER doctor and probably my favorite bachelor; Lorenzo the fruity Italian “prince”; Andy Baldwin, the “officer and gentleman”; and the other Bachelorette season with Jen Schefft, the ex-fiancee from Andrew Firestone’s season. Whew, so complicated. I didn’t watch much of greasy Byron the fisherman’s season.

Anyway, this season, ABC has picked – hold your horses – the HOTTEST BACHELOR IN BACHELOR HISTORY! No kidding, haven’t they said pretty much the same thing every single season? If I were one of the first guys I’d be feeling pretty crappy about myself since I’d been one-upped about 10 times by now. Brad Womack, the bar owner from Austin, TX is definitely not my favorite yet. I’m not a fan of the facial hair I don’t think, and I mean, he’s cute, but…..eh…not rocking my socks off.

So far I don’t know what the twists are going to be this season – maybe they mentioned them in last night’s premiere, but honestly I didn’t pay attention to much of it because I was talking to my own prince charming :). I did see the “This Season on the Bachelor” montage of dramatic scenes, tears, hugs and drunk girls at the end, with the climactic ambulance sirens, 911 call, girls covering their mouths and hugging and Brad saying “I never thought it would turn out this way.” What, does a girl die this season? Is that the twist? That would be new and different, ABC. I’m sure they just spliced in a comment of Brad saying that though, and he probably wasn’t even talking about the 911 emergency.

In my limited viewing of last night’s show, I still managed to see most of the Bachelor predictable-ness in all its glory. There were the squealing girls in the limos as they approached the first-night party mansion. “Oh my gosh, he’s so hot!” Ya think? Maybe they thought the twist would be ABC calling this season “The Bachelor: Joke’s on You / The Ugliest Bachelor in Bachelor History.” I didn’t see most of the getting-out-of-the-limo introductions, but I think I caught a recap of one girl speaking Hawaiian or something. Always has to be one that tries to impress by speaking a foreign language right off the bat. Hello, maybe you didn’t get the memo, but he’s from TEXAS. He’s AMERICAN. He don’t speak no other languages.

During the apparently all-night party (because at the end Chris Harrison kept saying “good morning” and “good night” to the girls before the rose ceremony), I caught glimpses of (1) girls doing weird talents, (2) girls going over the top to draw attention to themselves by, say, hopping in the pool in a bikini in the middle of a cocktail party and walking towards Brad illuminated by the moonlight like some kind of woodland goddess, (3) girls showing off weird body parts – um, webbed feet…?, (4) girls getting too plastered off the free wine to talk straight by the time they got their one-on-one moment with Brad - you know who you are Melissa, and (5) girls getting jealous when he comes and gets the first impression rose out from under their hovering noses and takes it to the sweetly unsuspecting Phoenix Suns cheerleader. All pretty par for the Bachelor course.

And of course, the end of the show brought all the Bachelor clichés of Brad making “THE MOST IMPORTANT DECISION HE’S EVER HAD TO MAKE IN HIS LIFE” and staring at the shrine of girls’ pictures interspersed with candles to help him make his decision (or at least remember their names…maybe they have their names engraved on the bottom of the pictures so he can spend his time rehearsing them.

I was washing dishes while he handed out roses, so I don’t really know who he picked, though I did take note that he kept Hilary (the nurse) and I didn’t hear him call the Kim girl so maybe she was an airhead or ugly or something. The line that kills me because Chris Harrison says it EVERY time, with EXACTLY the same inflection is “Ladies, Brad, this is the final rose tonight.” He did not disappoint last night. He even added in just for good measure my second favorite line, after the final rose had been given, “Ladies, I’m sorry…if you did not receive a rose, take a moment, and say your goodbyes.” Oh Chris Harrison, I bet you say those lines in your sleep. But it’s all part of the Bachelor charm.

Til next week…let the group dates begin!