Trusting

Last night, I was feeling contemplative, so I got out some of my old journals and read parts of them.  I love to do that, because even though I struggled (and still struggle) with the same things over and over, sometimes there's that momentary glimpse of truth when God seems more visible than other times.

I'm going to try to excerpt some of my inspired thoughts from October 22, 2003 (the fall of my senior year of college), hopefully without making things too awkward because part of what I was writing about was a boy who is now engaged to the sweetest girl in the world and I'm so happy for them :).  But a lot of what I was thinking about back then applies to where I am today when I look towards the future.

"Father, I need to pray right now for help with trusting you for my future.  I don't have a crystal ball, but I always want reassurance.  I want to know (he) likes me and I want a promise that we'll be together in the future.  But Lord, that is not a promise that can be made right now, and if I could depend on that promise I wouldn't need you every day.  

"It is hard to think about facing life with no clue as to what is going to happen.  I feel like I can deal with waiting if I have a concrete hope to wait for or I see some kind of end in sight.  But Father, I'm looking for the wrong goal.  The crown of eternal life is the prize at the end of the race.  All this stuff in my life really doesn't matter in view of eternity.  My life is a breath, but your Word stands forever.  

"You are forever - the exact same in the Old Testament, in Jesus' day, in the Middle Ages, in the Renaissance, in the 1960s and 70s, today, when I'm middle-aged, and long after I'm gone.  The exact same God.  One plan.  One will.  One Spirit.  From everlasting to everlasting.  Father, you are sovereign.  You know my future - and you designed it to fulfill your will and bring you glory.  

"I can't ask for anything else and I can't bypass the step of trusting you and walking by faith.  There's no way around the wait, the day-to-day journey that takes me to the end goal.  I can't reach the goal without learning what I need to along the way, and really I don't want to fast forward through time that I have to know you more and experience you.  You are so infinite, infinitely deep, beyond searching out.  But I don't want to not even start just because I can't finish.  

"'Blessed is the man who perseveres... because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him' (James 1:12).  'Perseverance MUST finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything' (James 1:4).  

"Father, every day I have the privilege of living as a daughter of the king and of getting to know an endless, limitless God, who also loves me.  That is enough!"